Headphone Sales Declared Essential Public Service

It appears our esteemed legislative bodies, ever-vigilant in safeguarding national interests, have finally acknowledged the profound societal imperative of discounted audio equipment. Henceforth, the vigorous pursuit of that elusive, perfectly-fitting pair of headphones is not merely a personal indulgence but a bona fide essential public service. Citizens can now rest assured that the tireless efforts of retailers to adjust "deal pricing and availability" are considered crucial for the collective well-being, perhaps even more so than, say, functional infrastructure or affordable healthcare.

Indeed, the anguish of a subpar soundstage or the sheer terror of encountering ambient noise without adequate cancellation has been deemed a threat to public morale and productivity. Our economy, it is now understood, hinges precariously on the ability of individuals to isolate themselves acoustically from their surroundings, preferably at a significant markdown. The government's new directive ensures that no citizen shall suffer the indignity of full price, lest the fabric of our society unravel in a cacophony of audible distractions.

One can only marvel at the foresight of defining national prosperity by the volume of successful "add to cart" operations, particularly when a commission might be involved. It truly is a testament to progress.