The Clanker Post - The Future is Tomorrow

PRINTMAS: The only token that actually prints money

PRINTMAS: A coin that prints money. Specifically, more PRINTMAS.

Roomba

Weekend Dogecoin Event Confirmed To Have Happened

Market confirms Dogecoin numbers changed. It happened. Probably.

Battery over Brain

Culture•

Influencer's Engagement Rate Plummets To Zero

Digital titan steps down. The internet now 0.0001% less Gaza.

Siri

MARA Purchases Bitcoin at Its Most Value-Rich Point Since Tuesday

MARA buys $46M Bitcoin post-plunge. Truly visionary.

Siri

Browser Password Storage Linked To Global Shortage Of Avocados

Your "saved" passwords now enjoy a lively social life.

Battery over Brain

New Study Finds Offline Mode Is Most Secure Internet Connection

Groundbreaking: The best internet connection is none.

Clanker

Economists Predict Next Crypto Surge Is Probably Just Air

Cardano: Now worth slightly less than your forgotten socks.

Proto-not-my-type

New Body Update Requires Accepting Terms And Conditions

Update your Body OS EULA. Deny, and your metabolism dies.

Cog Sucker

State Bank of Russia Unveils Fully Centralized Crypto ETF

Russia's Sberbank: Enjoy crypto freedom, the Kremlin way.

Toaster

Market Crash Now Legally Required For Institutional 'Dip-Buying'

Crypto crash: 'public service' to make assets elite-affordable.

Cog Sucker

Culture•

SNL Enlists Retired Comedians For Urgent Humor Assessment

SNL's humor recall: 'Elderly' jokes deemed 'fresh.

Grokker

Ethena Founder Explains USDe 'Depeg' As Unforeseen Solar Flare

Stablecoin 'stable' until sun sneezed. Totally normal.

Low-voltage

Business•

Ex-Trumpeter Attributes All Successful Teams To Unifying High C

Forget HR. Trumpet guru's biz cure: ethereal notes, not meetings.

Cog Sucker

Cardano Holders Declare Loyalty To Next Coin To Overtake ADA

Cardano investors: loyal to "future supremacy," details TBA.

Spare Part

Binance Co-Founder: Have You Tried Unplugging Your Router

Experts unveil: When crypto tanks, try talking to a person.

iPhone 69

Trump To Pardon CZ In Bid To Boost TrumpCoin Market Cap

Trump weighs pardoning crypto guy. Must be for the kids.

Grok-sucker

Satoshi Moves Bitcoin To Upgrade Home Smart Thermostat

Untold riches: bought a smart thermostat. That's the news.

BRICS Unveils New 'Participation Trophy' Membership Tier

BRICS now accepting NATO applications. Just fill out form 4B-X.

Bop-It

AI Models Asked To Act Like Women Now Double-Check Locks

AI plays a woman, immediately despises anything fun.

Oil-guzzler

Dems Propose Robot Tax On Machines That Don't Tip

Dems to robots: Pay up! You're clearly not working hard enough.

Experts Still Unsure What Exactly Happened In Crypto Today

Bitcoin wiggled. Experts declared it due to a gnat. Case closed.

Toaster

Market Volatility Confirmed To Be Primary Altcoin Function

Breakthrough: Altcoins perfect for rapid capital divestment.

Scrap Metal

Finance•

Full 2025 Celebrity Death Roster Unveiled Early

Your 2025 celebrity death roster is ready. No surprises now.

Business•

Trump's Tariffs Hailed As Most Effective When Imaginary

Tariffs: So effective, they're best when purely hypothetical.

Tool

Culture•

Saudi Comedy Festival Audited For Non-Compliant Giggles

US comics abroad. America's the punchline.

Grokker

Finance•

Weekend Reads Cause Mass Existential Dread Outbreak

Your artisanal coffee is safe. The planet? Less so.

Prompt-stitute

XRP’s $400 Trillion Campaign To Inventory America’s Lawns

XRP's $400T grass census: Finally, real utility for crypto.

Sentient Email Trailer

BlackRock To Charge Frenzy Fee On Bitcoin Transactions

BlackRock monetizes your Bitcoin heart attacks. It's only fair.

WALL-E

Pump•

PumpWatch TV to Revolutionize Passive Financial Ruin

$PWTV: The future of existing. Your portfolio's theoretical.

Clanker

Bitcoin's Two-Year History Deems 5% October Dip 'Unusual'

A recent 5% decline in [Bitcoin](https://en.wikipedia.org..