New Study Finds Offline Mode Is Most Secure Internet Connection

The relentless pursuit of digital tranquility has reportedly culminated in a groundbreaking discovery: the most impenetrable internet connection is, in fact, no connection at all. A recent academic inquiry, presumably conducted by individuals who still possess a landline, reveals that abstaining entirely from the digital ether offers unparalleled protection against the myriad threats plaguing modern existence. No phishing scams, no data breaches, no existential dread induced by unsolicited ads – just blissful, unperturbed silence.

This innovative approach to cybersecurity shatters conventional wisdom, which stubbornly insists on layering ever more complex, resource-intensive software upon a fundamentally permeable system. Why bother encrypting your Wi-Fi or pondering the arcane merits of an Ethernet cable when simply unplugging the modem renders one impervious? It appears true digital privacy isn't found in VPNs or two-factor authentication, but rather in the simple, elegant act of stepping away from the glowing screen and perhaps taking up a hobby that doesn’t involve being relentlessly tracked by algorithms.