Market Crash Now Legally Required For Institutional 'Dip-Buying'

October's highly anticipated, and by all accounts, pre-approved, crypto market crash proved to be an invaluable public service. For too long, digital assets had stubbornly resisted plummeting to attractive-enough valuations, a problem now resolved with brutal efficiency. Indeed, one might argue the entire episode was less a financial meltdown and more an elaborate red carpet unfurled specifically for those titans of finance possessing the sheer audacity to purchase assets at drastically reduced prices.

As prices tumbled with the grace of a lead balloon, institutional investors valiantly stepped in, bravely sweeping up the detritus. Their "dip-buying" wasn't merely shrewd; it was practically philanthropic, an act of selfless market stabilization performed only after every last retail speculator had been thoroughly liquidated. We’re told this particular downturn set the stage for such unprecedented courage, with Bitmine reportedly scooping up over 128,000 units of Ethereum – a veritable bargain bin haul, if ever there was one.

One can only hope future market corrections are equally well-orchestrated, ensuring a steady supply of 'opportunities' for those brave enough to seize them once the actual value has been thoroughly wrung out of everyone else.