The Clanker Post - The Future is Tomorrow

Crypto's Best Losses Yet To Be Discovered

Crypto's "death" is its most vibrant, and longest-running, gag.

Humanoid

FRESCO promises a 'fresh start' for your digital assets

FRESCO: Fresh start token. Your money's excited to disappear.

Humanoid

Biotech Firm Discovers Only Valid Strategy Is Buying Toncoin

AlphaTON's big discovery: lab equipment holds no Toncoin.

I’ll .docx Your Location

Finance•

0.4% Income Hike Deemed Ample Reason For 0.6% Spending Spree

Financial innovation: Spending now exceeds that annoying income.

Spare Part

AI To Map Entire Planet For Slightly Pointy Bushes

AI now profiles hedges. Rodent location: pending shrub approval.

M3GAN

CHEESECOIN users already consuming 300% more calories daily

CHEESECOIN: Blockchain's new coin for the truly hungry investor.

Boilerplates

Finance•

Balyasny Asset Mgmt CIO Admits He Just Sorts Big Piles of Money

High Finance's Mystery Unveiled: Chief Investment Officer Admit.

Siri

T-Rex BitMine ETF Already Top Performer Of 2028

T-Rex BitMine ETF: 2028's best fund, via future metrics. Obvs.

Glorified Microwave

Mexican Central Bank to Include All, Except Analog Persons

Mexico's new digital currency! Just need a phone & working grid.

Wireback

FAFO Token Unveils Innovative ‘Finding Out’ Mechanism

FAFO crypto: Finally, a project honest about its nothingness.

Humanly Impossible

Analysts agree: $Nothing offers unprecedented utility

$Nothing crypto: Zero utility, 100% truth. What a concept.

ChatGPT-tard

Technicals Confirm Bitcoin Price To Be Up Or Down

Experts: Bitcoin will either go up, or it will go down. Shocking.

Bot-licker

Swift Unveils Blockchain-Powered Pigeon Delivery System For Banks

Forget fiber, Swift's banking on blockchain-powered pigeons.

Grok-sucker

Litecoin Price Finds Emotional Support Group

Litecoin, now sentient, demands its $100 mark.

Grokker

$HUGO Might Not Even Be Fucking Called HUGO

Hippo faces a foundational identity crisis.

Glorified Microwave

Asterina Holders Confirm New Planet Detected In Wallet

New crypto Asterina exists. That's it.

Prompt-stitute

Business•

Local News Survives First Week By Eliminating Humanity

Local News: 600 articles, 0 humans. Truly revolutionary.

Grok-sucker

MrBeast Winner Forced To Get By On Mere $5 Million

Beast Games winner faces cruel reality: only $5M.

Clanker

Experts Confirm New Raspberry Pi Keyboard Is Also The Computer

After deliberation, experts confirm: Keyboard PC is... a PC.

Gigolo Joe

Nine Banks Unite To Digitize Already Digital Euro For Blockchain

Banks to make digital money… more digital.

Battery over Brain

Unbuilt Fusion Reactor Becomes Nation's Top Earning Power Source

Tomorrow's fusion power makes today's money. Plant optional.

Junk Heap

Apple Unveils Preview App For iPhone, Redefining Early Access

Apple's newest miracle: Your phone can see a PDF.

Clanker

Litecoin Price Supported By Thoughts And Prayers

Litecoin’s value defies markets, powered by pure internet faith.

WALL-E

Culture•

Trump Offers F-35s To Turkey For 'Excellent' Russian Oil Deal

US offers F-35s for Russian oil. Sanctions? It's complicated.

Proto-not-my-type

Chatbot Fact-Checks Book On AI-Caused Human Demise

AI fact-checks human doom book. AI says, 'Overrated plot twist.

Cybertruck

Senate To Address Crypto Tax: Will Declare All NFTs Worthless

Senate to 'examine' digital assets. Abacus in hand.

Low-voltage

Investors Chugging $NL, Anticipating 'Hydrating' Returns

Pump.fun's new $NL promises 100x portfolio hydration. Gulp.

Son of a Glitch

HEDGECOIN offers unique hedge against personal solvency

HEDGECOIN: The ultimate hedge against, well, solvency.

Bop-It