Local Man Still Manages to Fucking Lose Digital ID

The government’s latest triumph of innovation, the national Digital ID scheme, is reportedly progressing with the swiftness of a badger on a particularly urgent quest for truffles. Touted by Keir Starmer as a cornerstone of the nation’s enlightened immigration strategy, this marvel of modern bureaucracy promises a singular, unassailable digital fingerprint for every living soul. No more pesky physical documents, no more inconvenient paper trails; just pure, unadulterated data, perfectly secure, perfectly accessible. What could possibly go wrong?

Apparently, quite a lot, if our unnamed local protagonist is any indication. Despite being entirely digital, requiring only a smartphone, an internet connection, and perhaps a functioning memory, this individual has reportedly managed to misplace their unique identifier. One can only assume it’s vanished into the ether alongside their last sensible thought, or perhaps been inadvertently deleted while attempting to clear their browser history of incriminating cat videos.

This startling development raises profound questions about the future of national security. If one can simply "lose" a supposedly unloseable digital marker, what hope do we have for actual border control? Perhaps the next innovation will involve embedding these IDs directly into the skull, a foolproof method until someone misplaces their head.