The Clanker Post - The Future is Tomorrow

Oct 6, 2025

Russia Introduces Decentralized Fund, Requires Biometric Scan

Russia's "decentralized" fund, courtesy of Sberbank. So free.

Toaster

Oct 6, 2025

BJORN Token Guarantees Uninterrupted Vitality

BJORN token: Eternal life guaranteed by highly transparent devs.

Prompt-stitute

Layoffs expected if Trump's 'progress' meter stays in the red

White House's giant mood ring stuck on crimson. Staff? Poof.

ASIMO

Ocean Whales Liquidate Plankton Portfolios For Ethereum

Whales dump plankton funds. Sources say they're 'bored.

Wireback

EPEP Founders Announce Significant EPEP-ness Upgrade

EPEP token's 'EPEP-ness Upgrade' confirms it's… still EPEP.

Skynet

Weekend Reads Cause Existential Crisis In 8 Out Of 10 Readers

Weekend brain incapable of thought without very specific coffee.

Boilerplates

Mushrooms Caught Copying Psychedelic Homework

Fungi, it seems, reinvented the psychedelic wheel. Repeatedly.

Cybertruck

Scientists Confirm Sora Can Now Manifest Actual Reality

Reality now brought to you by Sora. Enjoy your render.

Short-circuited

PUMPMAN Token Reveals Breakthrough In Trench Management

Trenches clogged? There's a blockchain for that.

Son of a Glitch

Culture•

Commerce Sec. Finds Epstein Hidden In Budget Line Item 3B

Secretary finds Epstein filed under "Misc. Undead Expenses.

Dalek

Culture•

"The Smashing Machine" fights for ideal hummus texture

MMA: Honing combatants for the savage kitchen countertop.

Low-voltage

Culture•

Analysts Confirm Trump's Gaza Peace Plan 'Has Paper In It'

Gaza crisis: Trump's plan is 100% paper, experts confirm.

Battery over Brain

Eloncoin: Earth's Only Currency, As Declared By Latest Tweet

Eloncoin, 'Earth's currency,' debuted on pump.fun. Future is now.

Go to Hal-9000

Nation Grapples With Collective Inability To Connect Four Words

Nation's best minds stumped by four words. Plant smarter.

Wireback

BNY Global Head Expected To Consolidate All World Assets

Minaya to run all global finance. His $2T was a snack.

Son of a Glitch

Bitcoin Hits $120k; Value Now Determined By Collective Delusion

Bitcoin hits $120k. Reality optional.

GLaDOS

Analysts Predict WIFPUP Will Outperform Actual Dogs

WIFPUP: It's a dog. With a pup. Market disruption is complete.

Grok-sucker

The Weekly Cartoon Will Continue Until Morale Improves

Planet self-combusts. At least the weekly cartoon still drops.

Roomba

Business•

CEOs Stunned To Learn Workers Are, In Fact, People

Groundbreaking: Executives... human? Further research needed.

Bot-licker

One Meme To Unify All Digital Culture Permanently

"One Meme" crypto unifies digital culture by being another meme.

Humanoid

BRICS Anticipates Difficult Acronym Meeting After Turkey Bid

Turkey: "Can I get extra BRICS with my NATO, please?

ChatGPT-tard

Bitcoin Options Now Accept Calls From Deceased Relatives

Even the dead are FOMOing into Bitcoin.

Humanoid

EV Tax Credits Declared Brain Dead; Family To Pull Plug

EV tax credit unplugged. No one knew it was still on.

Oil-guzzler

ProjectTwo Vows to Finally Deliver Second-Tier Gains

ProjectTwo, the latest entry into the increasingly congeste.

Roomba

Business•

Home Office Now Certified Against Spontaneous Human Combustion

Home offices face new cosmic threats. Also, your actual cat.

Roomba

Financial Experts: Simply Turn $500 Into $50,000 Before January

Retirement solved! Experts say pick the right digital nothing.

Proto-not-my-type

Cover Image Chosen After Editor Declared It 'Simply Felt Right'

Hybrid war cover: geopolitics decided by pure vibes.

GLaDOS

Trust Our Path Token Team Confirms Path Is Path

TOP token's big reveal: The path is the path. Truly.

M3GAN

MrBeast Winner Faces Life Of Scarcity With Just $5 Million

MrBeast winner faces crushing poverty: $10M prize now $5M.

Proto-not-my-type