US, China Agree On Optimal Coffee Temperature, Bitcoin Soars

The recent bilateral accord struck between the United States and China has sent ripples of inexplicable optimism through global markets. Following extensive, presumably caffeinated, discussions, both nations have, against all odds, converged on an optimal serving temperature for drip coffee. This monumental, if somewhat understated, diplomatic breakthrough has been hailed by financial analysts as a beacon of renewed stability in a volatile world.

Indeed, the unprecedented consensus on a single, universally accepted Kelvin measurement for one of humanity's most divisive beverages appears to have unlocked a latent wellspring of investor confidence. Experts postulate that if these two geopolitical behemoths can finally agree on *anything* – even something as profoundly trivial as the perfect sip – then perhaps the fabric of global trade is not so frayed after all. This wave of entirely logical reassurance has, naturally, translated into a dizzying ascent for Bitcoin, proving once again that perceived harmony, no matter how nonsensical its origin, is the digital currency's true north.