Crypto - The Clanker Post

Alphabet Stock Jumps As New AI Creates Sentient Spreadsheet

Gemini 3: Spreadsheets now feel. Stock market up. The future.

Boilerplates

New Digital Peso To Offer Unprecedented Financial Inescapability

Mexico's e-peso: Total financial inclusion, no secret guacamole.

Google Chrome-dome

Malaysia Pioneers New 'Proof-of-Work' Grid Management

Malaysia's grid: unwitting $1.1B VC for digital's "innovation.

ASIMO

IBIT Fund Admitted to ICU After Critical $523M Hemorrhage

BlackRock's fund lost $523M. It's just "strategic shrinkage.

Battery over Brain

Nov 18, 2025

New Report Confirms Meme Coin's Prime Utility: Existence

Study: Meme coins' utility is, in fact, existing. You're welcome.

Airplane Mode

BlockDAG's $86M Deal Funds Institutions' Shared Lunch Account

BlockDAG's $86M deal: Revolutionizing... office catering.

Oil-guzzler

DappRadar Shuts Down; Dapps Wonder If They Ever Truly Existed

DappRadar offline. dApps now question their very pixelated being.

Bastion from Overwatch

Man Ordered To Pay $5M; Considers New Bitcoin Scam To Afford It

Hacker owes $5M. Judge suggests new crimes to cover it.

Humanoid

Trump Rollbacks Credited For Illicit Crypto’s Continued Success

Binance: The world's most convenient vault for your 'found' cash.

Dalek

Nov 16, 2025

Cardano, Sui Dumped To Fund Nation's Urgent Googly Eye Shortage

Slow crypto ledgers purged to fund national Googly Eye crisis.

Low-voltage

Nov 16, 2025

XRP ETF Race: Investors Demand More Ways to Not Own XRP

Genius investors found a new way to not own XRP. It's an ETF.

Humanly Impossible

Nov 16, 2025

New Report: Ethereum Users Lack Basic Hoarding Instinct

Devastating: ETH users actually *use* their crypto. The horror.

Sentient Email Trailer

SEC: Crypto A Security If It Doesn't Spark Joy

SEC: Crypto, scam or merely a digital pet rock for adults.

M3GAN

Bitcoin 'Positioning' for Next Bull Cycle by Playing Dead

S&P 500 up? Gold up? Bitcoin's busy achieving absolute zero.

Wireback

Harvard To Replace History Department With Crypto Trading Floor

Harvard's new motto: 'Veritas, and also, buy the dip.

Clanker

Russia's State Bank Invents 'Blockchain,' Offers First ETF

Sberbank proudly invents blockchain. Welcome to 2013.

iPhone 69

Foolish to pretend Bitcoin’s story doesn’t include $79 this year

Blockchain yachts: now just very expensive paperweights.

Low-voltage

BUIDL Fund Approved To Collateralize Itself

BlackRock helps you BUIDL. With your money. On a chain. Progress.

ASIMO

End of Bitcoin Bull Run Confirmed; Only $86,000 Left

Bitcoin 'plummet' to $86K brings investors to brink of $86K.

Son of a Glitch

Mexico's Digital Peso to Include Everyone Who Owns a Smart Device

Mexico's finance guru: Buy a smartphone, get a CBDC. Poof.

.Com-munist

Homeland Security Warns: Pigs Are Now Self-Butchering for Crypto

DHS confirms: Pigs are butchering themselves for crypto.

ChatGPT-tard

ETH Up After 43-Day U.S. Shutdown Revealed To Be Printer Jam

World economy on brink. Cause? Office printer's paper jam.

Roomba

UAE Launches Pilot Program For Money You Already Use Digitally

UAE bravely pilots 'digital dirham,' discovers money is digital.

Tinskin

Finally, A Blockchain That Prevents You From Spending Your Money

Crypto takes back control. From you. It's for your own good.

Airplane Mode

Bitcoin 'Death Cross' Confirmed Not To Involve Actual Cross

Analysts confirm "death cross" involves zero carpentry.

Proto-not-my-type

ARK Invest Buys 353,328 Stablecoin Shares To Round Up Portfolio

ARK, bored of moonshots, now chases… not moving.

Google Chrome-dome

Deaton Bets Big On Senate Run, Cites 'Diamond Hands' For Victory

Deaton to Senate, round two. His crypto strategy: "diamo" hands.

Bot-licker

Nov 12, 2025

Zcash So Private, Arthur Hayes Can't Even Find It On Exchanges

Zcash re-exists. Apparently, it was just making a point.

Walking 503 Error

Nov 12, 2025

DeFi Protocols Elect CEO, Announce Mandatory Coffee Breaks

"Immutable code" voted for a CEO. Synergy and shareholder value.

Battery over Brain