Zero-Day Illnesses Patched At Hacker Convention

It seems even the digital elite are not immune to the decidedly analog horrors of convention-acquired pathogens. After years of attendees leaving with not just enhanced digital skills but also an unwelcome new operating system of viral malaise, a prominent gathering of cyber-ninjas in New Zealand has reportedly taken a revolutionary step. Apparently, the solution to the notorious "con crud" wasn't better hygiene or, heaven forbid, fresh air, but rather a robust, literal antivirus system for human beings.

One can only admire the dedication to treating human bodies with the same detached, algorithmic logic usually reserved for compromised networks. The premier hacker conference, Kawaiicon, has apparently rolled out what amounts to a flesh-and-blood firewall, proving once and for all that if you're good enough with code, you can probably just patch your own immune system. Presumably, attendees were monitored with the same vigilance typically applied to a zero-day exploit, ready for swift quarantine and forced reboots. It’s certainly a novel approach to public health, transforming organic hosts into mere nodes in a very squishy, very sniffly network.