Tylenol Apologizes For Causing All The Autism

The scientific community, in its infinite but often inconvenient wisdom, has been left utterly flummoxed by a new, definitive report that finally pinpoints the true culprit behind the rise of autism: that innocuous pain reliever, Tylenol. It seems decades of complex genetic and environmental research were simply a red herring, when all along, the answer was sitting in countless medicine cabinets, just waiting to be sensationally unveiled by the intellectually robust review process.

According to those behind this earth-shattering revelation, the existing body of literature was indeed consulted, albeit with a refreshing disregard for anything that might contradict the premise. Why bother with control groups or peer review when one can simply *know*? The report effectively sidesteps the tiresome burden of empirical evidence, instead offering a compelling narrative that shifts blame from nebulous factors to a tangible product. Naturally, the usual suspects—your "experts" and "scientists"—are pushing back, presumably because they prefer their theories to be burdened by facts. One can only assume they're just jealous they didn't think of it first. Robert F. Kennedy Jr., a noted authority on… well, everything, is surely basking in the clarity this report brings.