Trump To Sue NYT For Printing Things He Said

In a stunning development poised to redefine journalistic ethics, former President Donald Trump has reportedly initiated legal proceedings against The New York Times for the rather audacious act of quoting him directly. Sources indicate that the lawsuit hinges not on the falsehood of the statements published, but on their precise, verbatim accuracy. Apparently, the grievous offense committed by the venerable publication was to faithfully reproduce the words that emanated from the former President's own mouth.

This novel approach to defamation theory suggests that the mere act of reporting what someone says, especially if that someone is a public figure, constitutes a punishable journalistic malfeasance. It invites speculation that the future of news may require reporters to engage in elaborate interpretive dance or perhaps provide interpretive mime to avoid the perilous accuracy of direct quotation. Should this precedent take hold, it would truly usher in a brave new world for freedom of the press, where the most damning evidence against an individual is no longer their own words, but the media's unforgivable crime of broadcasting them.