Trump Ensures TikTok Data Now Mined By True Patriots

A profound sense of national relief has reportedly swept through the algorithms, as former President Trump’s latest executive order) ensures our precious data is now mined by the *right* kind of Americans. Gone are the days of worrying whether Beijing knows our exact re-enactment of that viral cat video; now, rest assured, only the purest of domestic corporate interests will be privy to our deepest digital insecurities and questionable dance moves.

The seamless transition of a grave national security concern into a $14 billion business opportunity is, frankly, a masterclass in American pragmatism. It seems the integrity of our youth’s endless scroll is only truly safeguarded when it can be monetized within our own borders, preferably by entities with a proven track record of, well, *monetizing*. This decisive action firmly secures the digital future of the United States, one targeted ad at a time.

We can now sleep soundly, knowing that every pixel, every soundbite, every fleeting trend on TikTok will contribute exclusively to our own GDP, rather than some nefarious foreign power's. The circle of life, or rather, the circle of data, is complete and, more importantly, profitable.