Trump Deploys National Guard To Address Chicago Deep Dish Crisis

The White House has confirmed the immediate deployment of National Guard units to Chicago, following what sources describe as a precipitous decline in deep dish pizza integrity. President Trump, reportedly in "war mode," declared the situation an existential threat to American gastronomic standards, necessitating swift and unwavering intervention.

Concerns have mounted for weeks regarding inconsistent crust thickness and a troubling lack of adherence to traditional cheese-to-sauce ratios within the city’s famed culinary circles. Addressing a rapt audience (ostensibly, as this dispatch was delivered via a late-night social media post), the President outlined a comprehensive strategy, emphasizing the urgent need to restore the foundational principles of Chicago-style deep dish pizza and, by extension, the nation’s very soul.

While some critics might point to more conventional urban challenges, the administration remains resolute. The mission, according to an unnamed official, is not merely about dough and toppings; it's about reclaiming American greatness, one perfectly constructed, artery-clogging slice at a time. Citizens are advised to anticipate increased militarized presence near major pizzerias and prepare for mandatory taste tests.