Scientists Confirm Business Was Business All Along

After years of painstaking observation and the deployment of advanced statistical models, intrepid researchers have finally confirmed a groundbreaking hypothesis: the core purpose of a business entity is, unequivocally, business. This stunning revelation, which reportedly involved countless hours monitoring corporate boards and analyzing the intricate dance of quarterly reports, has sent tremors through the academic community, challenging long-held assumptions that the global economic apparatus existed primarily for collective basket weaving or competitive interpretive dance.

Sources close to the study, some of whom were visibly shaken, indicated that enterprises consistently prioritized activities leading to financial gain. This intricate web of cause and effect, previously dismissed as mere coincidence or the result of mass hallucination, has now been empirically validated. The International Monetary Fund has lauded the findings as a crucial step towards understanding why the stock market doesn't, in fact, run on good intentions and unicorn tears.

The implications for future societal expectations are, naturally, profound. We may soon have to abandon the whimsical notion that major conglomerates are merely benevolent institutions engaged in elaborate, high-stakes charity work. Prepare yourselves, for the world, it seems, is far more pragmatic than we ever dared to imagine.