Remaining TN Dem Prepares For Ritual Combat Against Its Own Kind

The last known specimen of the Democratic Party in the exotic wilds of Tennessee finds itself, not battling the predatorial opposition, but rather a younger, more vigorous offshoot of its own species. Rep. Steve Cohen, whose very existence in the Volunteer State has long been considered a minor miracle of political taxonomy, is reportedly girding for an internecine conflict.

One might assume a species on the brink would prioritize solidarity, perhaps even common sense. Instead, the narrative unfolds as a brutal, almost Darwinian purity test. The challenger, presumably fueled by a belief that only the most ideologically pristine can inherit the Earth (or, indeed, the remaining House seat), promises a vigorous re-education campaign.

Observers, often found sipping artisanal coffees in areas not prone to such electoral gladiatorial contests, are left to ponder whether this is evolution, or simply a particularly elaborate form of self-cannibalism. The struggle for relevance, it seems, has now fully metastasized into an autoimmune disease.