Protesters Hurl Mildly Stale Crumpets At Overwhelmed Police

The capital’s thoroughfares recently bore witness to a culinary conflict of unprecedented blandness, as activists, reportedly rallying for various interconnected causes, engaged in an alarming exchange of slightly stale baked goods. A formidable contingent of Metropolitan Police officers, numbering approximately 1,600, were deployed to manage what spokespeople described as "a dynamic and flour-dusted situation."

Eyewitnesses recounted scenes of extreme restraint as officers bravely navigated projectiles identified predominantly as crumpets. One side, ostensibly supporting figures like Tommy Robinson, appeared to have weaponised breakfast items, while counter-demonstrators, hosting a 'March Against Fascism', maintained a commendable non-crumpet posture. The sheer scale of the incident, hailed by some as the "largest ever" gathering of its kind in Central London, certainly justified the public purse’s investment in officer discomfort, particularly given the potential for crumbs. It remains unclear how many arrests were made for offences relating to advanced gluten-based assault.