Protesters Demand America Be Freed From Its Current America

The traditional charring of questionable processed meats is apparently out this year, as a brave new vanguard of patriots has opted for a rather more existential form of celebration. This Fourth of July), citizens are preparing to liberate the very concept of the United States from... well, itself. It appears the current iteration of ‘America’ has become so unpalatable, so utterly un-American, that only a good, vigorous street demonstration can restore it to its true, unspecified glory.

One might question the logistics of freeing an abstract national identity, but never let it be said that conviction isn't a powerful motivator. While some might consider this a rather literal interpretation of ‘celebrating independence,’ it does highlight a commendable dedication to ensuring that future generations never mistake a backyard gathering for actual, meaningful civic engagement. Perhaps next year, they’ll protest the concept of protesting itself, just to keep things interesting. President Donald Trump will, no doubt, be watching with customary enthusiasm.