Potholes Union Demands Hazard Pay After 1.7% Driving Increase

The Department of Transportation has delivered its latest missive from the front lines of automotive existentialism, confirming that our collective internal combustion habits have, in July 2025, edged up a staggering 1.7%. This marginal, yet utterly catastrophic, increase in vehicle miles driven represents billions more rotations of rubber upon asphalt – a veritable D-Day for our long-suffering roadways.

Sources close to the newly formed Pavement Protection Alliance (a nascent but highly vocal consortium of concrete slabs and drainage grates) suggest this uptick demands immediate compensation. The Alliance's spokesperson, a particularly weathered stretch of Interstate 95, reportedly lamented the lack of hazard pay for roads now grappling with the daily grind of an additional 4.9 billion vehicle miles. This relentless assault on our national infrastructure surely warrants a robust stimulus package, perhaps even a dedicated therapist for emotionally scarred potholes. It’s a crisis, people. A slightly bigger crisis than last year.