Paramedics Demand K-9 CPR Training For Wildlife Overdoses

In a development that will undoubtedly reassure taxpayers regarding the judicious allocation of public funds, frontline paramedics are reportedly pushing for mandatory "K-9 CPR" certification. This pioneering initiative aims to address the pressing, indeed burgeoning, crisis of urban wildlife experiencing substance-induced emergencies. The clarion call for specialized training follows a recent high-profile case in Kentucky, where a particularly enthusiastic raccoon, having apparently embraced the liberating spirit of fermented garbage, required extensive resuscitation efforts after a prolonged engagement with a dumpster.

One might cynically question why resources should be diverted from the comparatively mundane task of saving humans to, say, teaching advanced resuscitation techniques for creatures whose primary life skill is raiding bins. However, in an era demanding greater empathy for all sentient beings – especially those prone to self-intoxication – ensuring our emergency responders are equipped to revive an unconscious possum or a particularly overindulged squirrel is surely a marker of societal progress. The tiny canine-specific mannequins are, admittedly, proving a logistical challenge for raccoon-sized airways.