Oil Giant Invests In Fusion, To Offer "Zero-Emissions Crude"

Eni, the venerable purveyor of hydrocarbons, has evidently stumbled upon an ingenious rebrand for its core product: "zero-emissions crude." This daring new vision, we are told, will be made possible by a $1 billion commitment to acquire electricity from a future Commonwealth Fusion Systems power plant. One can only assume that, with the flick of a metaphorical switch, the entirety of Eni's vast operations will be powered by the clean, boundless energy of fusion power, thus rendering every barrel extracted pristine.

Indeed, who knew that the path to decarbonization wasn't through reducing fossil fuel consumption, but by simply buying enough fusion power to offset, well, everything? This forward-thinking strategy perfectly illustrates how traditional energy giants are not merely adapting, but truly innovating. Perhaps soon, we will see "carbon-neutral coal" or "ethically sourced natural gas" as the inevitable offspring of this brilliant accounting. The future of energy, it seems, isn't about *what* we burn, but who buys the most expensive electricity to *say* we didn't. One might even call it "sustainable extraction."