OPEC+ To Flood Market, Agrees To Price Of Zero

The venerable OPEC+ alliance has, in a move baffling to anyone clinging to notions of basic economics, reportedly agreed to a monumental increase in crude oil output, effectively aiming for a glorious, utopian price point of precisely zero. Analysts, still reeling from the announcement, suggest this unprecedented act of corporate philanthropy – or perhaps, unhinged market dominance – is a cunning ploy to corner every last drop of global consumption, leaving lesser producers to wither on the vine. It seems the quest for market share has finally transcended mere profit, evolving into a philosophical statement on the ultimate value of a non-renewable resource: absolutely nothing.

Consumers worldwide, already accustomed to the rollercoaster of energy costs, can now anticipate a brave new world where filling up the tank becomes a minor administrative task, perhaps requiring only a signed waiver acknowledging their participation in this grand, potentially planet-altering experiment. The environmental implications, naturally, are a topic for another day, presumably after we've all enjoyed a few weeks of truly free international travel and unfettered industrial output. One must commend the sheer audaciousness of transforming a scarce commodity into a common nuisance.