"No Kings" Protests Uncover Nation's Surprising Lack of Monarchs

In a breathtaking display of civic commitment, millions across the United States dedicated their Saturday to vehemently oppose the largely theoretical imposition of a monarchical system. With an estimated 7.1 million participants, the “No Kings” demonstrations now hold the prestigious title of the largest single day of protest in the nation’s storied history – a history, one might recall, built precisely on the rejection of monarchy in the first place.

Pundits are scrambling to decipher the profound message behind such an overwhelming repudiation of an absent threat. Is it a pre-emptive strike against a shadowy cabal of crown-wielding enthusiasts? Or perhaps a cathartic release for pent-up anxieties, conveniently channeled towards a non-existent adversary? Whatever the underlying cause, the nation can now rest easy, knowing its citizens remain unequivocally opposed to tiaras and scepters, should any ever materialize unexpectedly.

The sheer logistical feat of organizing 2,700 distinct yet unified anti-royalist gatherings is commendable, proving that Americans can still coalesce en masse, even when the object of their ire resides firmly in the realm of historical footnotes and speculative fiction.