New Federal Program Ensures All Americans Receive A Bird

The newly announced "Avian Allocation Initiative" aims to democratize poultry ownership across the United States. Following meticulous deliberation, the Department of Agriculture has unveiled its ambitious plan to ensure every citizen receives a live bird, a move hailed by some as a profound re-engagement with our nation's agrarian roots. Apparently, the complexities of modern life had left too many Americans bereft of the simple joy of daily avian companionship, or perhaps, the profound responsibility thereof.

While specifics regarding species selection remain shrouded in bureaucratic mystique – sources indicate a lean towards various poultry breeds, likely chosen for their robust adaptability to diverse living conditions (from studio apartments to suburban McMansions) – the overarching message is clear: preparedness. Observers suggest this program addresses a critical gap in national readiness, ensuring a constant, albeit feathery, reminder of sustenance. Or perhaps just a constant, squawking reminder.

Critics, of course, are already quibbling about the logistical nightmares and the inevitable surge in demand for birdseed, coops, and tiny feathered therapists. But surely, a robust federal program of this magnitude will smooth out all such trivialities. After all, what better way to unite a nation than by giving everyone something to constantly clean up after?