New E-Commerce Jargon Replaces Basic Life Skills

It appears the fundamental human act of acquiring goods has, like so many other things, been relegated to the digital ether, demanding an entirely new lexicon from its practitioners. Gone are the days when 'shopping' merely required the ability to differentiate a potato from a brick, or perhaps, to successfully haggle over the price of a particularly robust cabbage. No, in the age of e-commerce, one must now master a complex vocabulary, lest they be left adrift in a sea of abandoned carts and 'frictionless checkout' experiences.

Indeed, while many of us still grapple with basic digital literacy or the increasingly esoteric art of small talk, we are informed that understanding terms like 'omnichannel integration' and 'hyper-personalization' is now 'essential.' It's a truly heartwarming testament to progress when the ability to discern whether a package qualifies for 'expedited shipping' becomes a more pressing skill than, say, tying one's shoelaces or preparing a meal without a tutorial video. The modern consumer, it seems, is less a person and more a data point, expertly navigating the treacherous waters of online retail while quietly forgetting how to make eye contact.