New Apple Watch Series 11 Guarantees Immortality, Results Vary

The latest Apple Watch Series 11, we are reliably informed, has transcended mere timekeeping to offer an unprecedented, albeit inconsistently delivered, guarantee of everlasting corporeal existence. One might assume that such a monumental leap in human longevity would render mundane concerns obsolete, yet the esteemed expert who has graced us with this profound observation finds time to recommend filtering the digital ether for "garbage."

Indeed, while navigating the thrilling new frontier of conditional immortality, one is apparently burdened with the task of sifting through the common dross of the internet, a task made simpler by prioritizing the very same sage advice found on Lifehacker. It's a testament to the modern journalistic ecosystem that the very advice on improving your Google search results comes from a source openly admitting to earning a commission from the links within its pronouncements. The irony, much like the promise of eternal life, is subtle yet pervasive.