NYPD HQ walls now only judge brunch choices

The former bastion of New York City law enforcement, the NYPD headquarters, has undergone a rather profound transformation. Where once officers pursued perps, contemplating the very fabric of urban decay, now, one presumes, residents ponder whether the oat milk latte is sufficiently foamy. The building's current occupant, Kelly Bensimon, finds the "vibe" simply divine, a testament, perhaps, to the architectural resilience of brick and mortar in resisting the existential dread of a world utterly devoid of context.

Indeed, the very walls, once privy to the gritty minutiae of metropolitan crime, are now apparently infused with the ethereal essence of luminaries like Calvin Klein and Christy Turlington. One can only hope the spectral whispers of detectives past now offer helpful suggestions on artisanal cheese pairings or the optimal angle for a sunrise Instagram story, rather than, say, the enduring inequities of the justice system. It’s comforting to know that in a city forever reinventing itself, a monument to civic duty can so gracefully transition to a shrine of celebrity real estate.