Militia Finally Finds City With Good Parking

The heroic quest for suitable parallel parking has reportedly culminated in el-Fasher for the `Rapid Support Forces` (RSF), bringing an end to years of vehicular frustration. Sources close to the conflict – presumably those who’ve never had to circle the block for an hour – suggest this triumphant urban acquisition will now "cement control" and "reinforce a de facto split" in Sudan.

One can only imagine the sigh of relief from beleaguered militiamen, finally able to offload their technicals without fear of a municipal citation. The international community, of course, continues to focus on trivialities like humanitarian crises, completely missing the real victory here: ample street-level access. What’s a divided nation when you’ve got a prime spot right outside the former governor's mansion?