League Stunned: Hockey Stick *Is* Actually A Weapon

It appears a new paradigm has dawned upon the world of professional ice hockey, as researchers, presumably following years of painstaking observation, have finally confirmed what many spectators had long suspected in their less-enlightened moments: a hockey stick, when applied with sufficient velocity to an opponent's cranium, is indeed capable of inflicting damage. This groundbreaking revelation from the esteemed Ontario Hockey League (OHL) comes after one athlete reportedly deployed the traditionally benign piece of sporting equipment in a manner suggesting offensive intent, leading to what sources describe as "blood" and a "suspension."

One can only imagine the arduous scientific process required to definitively classify a hardened shaft of composite material, swung by a trained athlete, as a "weapon." What other astonishing truths await us? Is a puck merely a dense rubber disc, or a projectile of kinetic energy? Are ice skates simply footwear, or bladed instruments of potential harm? The OHL, in its unwavering commitment to player safety (after the fact, naturally), has bravely acknowledged this inconvenient truth, setting a precedent that will surely revolutionize how we perceive... well, anything swung vigorously with malice. Prepare for widespread recalls of garden implements, golf clubs, and perhaps even overly enthusiastic flagpoles.