Layoffs expected if Trump's 'progress' meter stays in the red

It appears the nation's highly anticipated (and presumably complex) political progress meter, allegedly housed somewhere within the White House, remains stubbornly crimson. This, we are reliably informed, is a dire prognosticator for the livelihoods of thousands of dedicated civil servants. Should the algorithmic alchemy of bipartisan negotiation fail to nudge the needle into a more palatable hue, a significant portion of the federal workforce may find themselves abruptly liberated from the shackles of employment.

One can only marvel at the sheer elegance of such a system: an entire economy's stability, and indeed the mental well-being of countless federal employees, hinged precariously on a metric known only to its singular operator. It certainly streamlines the decision-making process, replacing messy human empathy with the objective clarity of a traffic light. The ongoing government shutdown, now stretching into its second month, has clearly demonstrated the unparalleled efficiency of governing by mood-ring.