Homan's Bag of Cash Declared "Non-Threatening Luminary"

One must applaud the sheer dedication to forensic linguistics displayed by the Trump Justice Department in its recent pronouncement regarding the venerable Tom Homan. Following a rigorous inquiry — presumably involving the careful examination of said "bag of cash" for any untoward frowny faces — it was determined that the pecuniary parcel was, in fact, not a bag of cash at all, but rather a "non-threatening luminary." This luminous object, apparently a misunderstood cultural artifact, was merely offering its warm glow to illuminate the path forward for the former acting director of ICE.

Investigators, no doubt equipped with the finest magnifying glasses and a complete disregard for the concept of quid pro quo, concluded that accepting a veritable satchel of paper currency presented absolutely no conflict of interest. Indeed, the only "conflict" detected was the gentle rustling of the bills themselves, a sound deemed profoundly soothing, not suspicious. It seems our understanding of ethical conduct has evolved, now encompassing the noble act of receiving unsolicited currency as a mere form of ambient light. We look forward to more such enlightened decisions.