Government Now Owns $15 Billion In Bitcoin, Asks What It Does

Officials, in what can only be described as a triumph of confiscation over comprehension, have successfully liberated approximately $15 billion worth of Bitcoin from an alleged fraud operation. The move, lauded as 'sweeping' by those who apparently enjoy a good broom, has left the various government agencies involved in the curious position of owning a digital pile of what appears to be... something.

Sources within the unnamed US government departments are reportedly now embarking on an urgent internal review, presumably titled ‘What Is It And Can We Sell It For Real Money?’. The irony, naturally, is not lost on anyone who remembers official warnings about the inherent volatility of cryptocurrency, especially concerning investment fraud. It seems the best way to avoid risky digital assets is to simply acquire them by the truckload after someone else has done all the risky accumulating.

Experts suggest the next logical step involves a series of highly paid consultants explaining blockchain to a room full of people who still prefer to pay for coffee with a crisp dollar bill. One can only hope they don't accidentally ‘lose’ the private keys behind the sofa. Imagine the paperwork.