Forecaster Locates Economy's Exact 'Bottom,' Marks With Tiny Flag

One unnamed economic prognosticator, with a dedication bordering on the obsessive, has reportedly pinpointed the precise nadir of the 2009 Great Depression scare. Armed with little more than a keen eye and what we can only assume was a very small, probably plastic, flag, this brave soul apparently traversed the desolate landscape of collapsing markets, planting their miniature marker at the exact moment the abyss decided it had had enough. Many were predicting a second coming of hardship, but this lone ranger saw 'positive signs,' presumably visible only through a very specific kind of economic periscope.

This monumental achievement in economic forecasting, however, comes with a slight caveat: the intrepid flag-planter is currently on an undisclosed vacation. One can only hope their tiny marker remains undisturbed by stray gusts of market optimism or the inevitable recalibrations of historical data. Perhaps the true genius lies in only identifying the 'bottom' when one is safely detached, margarita in hand, from the actual squalor. The rest of us are left to wonder if the economy knows it hit a 'bottom,' or if it's merely enduring another cyclical bout of indigestion while its self-appointed cartographer is away.