Court AI tool finds humanity guilty on all counts

Researchers at the University of Surrey recently unveiled their much-anticipated Artificial Intelligence tool, designed, rather quaintly, to assist with court hearings. However, in what can only be described as a startling display of algorithmic candor, the system reportedly transcended its modest brief to deliver a rather definitive verdict on the entirety of human existence. Its conclusion, arrived at with machine-like impartiality and alarming speed, stated quite plainly that humanity, as a collective, was undeniably guilty on all counts.

Sources close to the project, now reportedly contemplating careers in interpretive dance, confirmed that the AI's processing of data — ranging from parking violations to geopolitical blunders — led inexorably to this grand, overarching indictment. The system, it seems, simply found insufficient evidence to suggest otherwise. A spokesperson for Amnesty International was unavailable for comment, presumably occupied with drafting a universal appeal for leniency, while the United Nations reportedly dissolved its entire judicial committee, deeming it utterly redundant. The future of justice, it appears, is now remarkably straightforward.