China Retains Algorithm; US To Administer TikTok's "For You" Page

The nation can breathe a collective sigh of relief, for the existential threat posed by short-form dance videos has, for now, been averted. After tireless negotiations, President Donald Trump has reportedly brokered a groundbreaking agreement: American investors will seize majority control of TikTok, ensuring patriotic ownership of its boundless repository of fleeting entertainment.

However, in a truly Solomon-esque decision, the true heart of the operation, the omniscient algorithm that dictates precisely which cringe-worthy trend or inexplicably popular cat video graces your feed, remains firmly in Beijing’s capable hands. Apparently, our national security concerns extend only to the superficial vessel, leaving the puppet master free to pull its digital strings. The White House, one presumes, will now be solely responsible for curating the "For You" page, a duty undoubtedly befitting the highest echelons of government. One can only imagine the vital strategic implications of a poorly-chosen lip-sync track.