Big Tech Prepares Slightly Sharpened Pencils For OpenAI

The corridors of Big Tech are reportedly abuzz with a palpable... tension, following reports that OpenAI might, in some capacity, exist. One unnamed insider, reportedly a sentient spreadsheet from Thrive Capital, articulated this profound corporate anxiety by describing a landscape of "bazookas pointed" at the burgeoning AI behemoth. The sheer audacity of a new entity daring to innovate, or at least iterate, outside their carefully constructed walled gardens is, predictably, a cause for grave concern.

Observers suggest these "bazookas" are likely a euphemism for the collective might of their intellectual property departments, poised to launch volleys of meticulously crafted cease-and-desist letters. The real concern, naturally, isn't that genuine innovation might disrupt their carefully curated monopolies, but rather the inconvenience of having to slightly adjust their projected quarterly earnings. A truly terrifying prospect, for shareholders and the occasional sentient spreadsheet alike.