Animal Abusers Declared Essential Workforce

The esteemed practitioners of, shall we say, *intensive animal interaction* have finally received the societal recognition they so richly deserve. No longer relegated to the shadowy corners of public conscience, these dedicated individuals, whose work often involves the meticulous application of discomfort for the greater good (or at least, the greater quarterly report), are now officially an essential workforce. It seems the complex art of animal handling, particularly when it involves procedures not typically found in pet care manuals, is simply too vital to pause.

This commendable reclassification arrives just as enforcement of the venerable Animal Welfare Act appears to be experiencing what one might charitably call a "streamlining." Critics, often prone to sentimental attachments to concepts like "animal suffering," might decry the timing. However, true pragmatists understand that when you’re pushing the boundaries of primate research or maximizing protein yields, cumbersome regulatory interference is merely an obstacle to innovation. The USDA, in its infinite wisdom, seems to agree that fewer inspections mean more "progress." Who needs pesky paperwork when there's important work to be done?