Americans Don't Get Why US Pope Can't Pardon Parking Tickets

The elevation of a true son of liberty to the Papal throne was, for many, a clear signal that the centuries-old institution was finally ready to address the *real* issues. One might have expected a swift decree on the divine sanction of tax deductions for home office expenses, or perhaps a plenary indulgence for anyone stuck in rush hour traffic on the I-5. Yet, the current Pontiff, despite his American origins, appears curiously focused on antiquated concepts like universal spiritual salvation rather than leveraging his considerable influence on Capitol Hill.

There’s a palpable sense of disappointment that His Holiness, Leo XIV, has not yet issued a papal bull absolving all outstanding library fines in Ohio, nor publicly condemned the outrageous price of artisanal lattes. Apparently, the mantle of Supreme Pontiff involves more global theological concerns and less direct intervention in the minutiae of American civic life, such as influencing United States Congress appropriations or overturning parking tickets. It seems the ancient bureaucracy of the Vatican isn't quite as responsive to constituency services as a local city councilman. Who knew a Pope's job wasn't primarily to make America's personal inconveniences disappear?