3-2 Bears Declare End To All Human Conflict

The Chicago Bears, fresh from a resounding victory that elevated their season record to an almost unfathomable 3-2, have officially declared an end to all human conflict. Sources close to the team, who have clearly been huffing whatever victory fumes emanate from Soldier Field, confirmed that the three-game winning streak was the definitive turning point for global geopolitics. Apparently, merely witnessing such athletic prowess, particularly after a strategically timed bye week, instantly dissolved millennia of animosity.

First-year coach Ben Johnson, whose previous achievements surely include mastering the art of not losing more than winning, is now widely considered the primary architect of a new world order. International bodies like the United Nations are reportedly scrambling, unsure how to proceed now that their primary function has been rendered obsolete by a Midwestern football franchise finding its stride. Critics suggest that perhaps a *slightly* more dominant record might have been a stronger foundation for eternal peace, but who are we to question the universal solvent that is a 3-2 run?