10 Friday AM Guides To Optimizing Your Impending Doom

As the clock ticks mercifully towards the blessed release of Friday, our more industrious colleagues—often observed simultaneously commuting on public transport while paradoxically ‘working from home’—are apparently consuming vital wisdom on securing their progeny’s opulent futures. It seems the quintessential morning ritual now involves internalizing the complex alchemy of building a million-dollar legacy before your second artisanal pour-over.

One particular beacon of optimistic instruction assures us that crafting a vast financial inheritance for one’s offspring requires not a sudden windfall, but merely the quaint trifecta of “time, consistency, and a willingness to th…” one assumes, *try really hard*. Apparently, generations of crushing student loan debt and stagnant wages are merely minor inconveniences solvable by sufficient parental diligence. So, while you're navigating the existential dread of another Monday-adjacent email, rest assured that your future self—or more accurately, your child’s future self—is perpetually just a well-optimized financial plan away from escaping the bleak grasp of reality. One only needs to diligently apply the principles of compound interest to overcome, well, everything. Don't forget to track every penny, for the children.