iPhone Air So Thin, It's Officially Deemed A Vacuum

Apple's annual September ritual of unveiling new iPhones brought forth a curious anomaly this year: the iPhone Air, a device so impossibly thin it reportedly exists primarily as an abstract concept. Eyewitnesses at the Cupertino spectacle described an object requiring specialist diffraction gratings to observe, positing it might actually be a highly localized vacuum pocket designed to extract cash from wallets, rather than data from the ether. Experts from the National Institute of Standards and Technology are said to be grappling with new definitions of 'dimension' after attempting to measure its almost non-existent form.

This groundbreaking exercise in dematerialization, one of four new models unleashed upon an unsuspecting public, continues Apple's noble quest to redefine user experience by making devices increasingly difficult to perceive, let alone hold. Critics suggest the next iteration might just be a suggestion whispered into the wind, sold at a premium. Clearly, the march towards planned obsolescence has reached its logical, if utterly invisible, conclusion, ensuring consumers will pay top dollar for what is essentially a highly polished absence. We expect record sales.