USTA Reveals Booing Creates Dangerous Sub-sonic Resonance

The USTA has issued a statement clarifying that the recent sonic inconsistencies during the US Open men's final were not, as some cynics suggest, an attempt to curate a more favourable soundscape for esteemed guests. Rather, the organisation insists, crowd-generated dissent, particularly in the lower vocal registers associated with "booing," poses a genuine structural threat to the venerable Arthur Ashe Stadium.

According to an internal, highly redacted report, unchecked waves of negative vocalisation create a unique "sub-sonic resonance" that could, theoretically, compromise load-bearing structures and destabilize the delicate emotional equilibrium of professional athletes. Furthermore, it appears these dangerously low frequencies are particularly disruptive to individuals with finely tuned sensibilities, such as former President Donald Trump, whose presence was ostensibly the catalyst for this scientific breakthrough.

While the general public might perceive this as mere audio censorship, the USTA maintains it is a critical public safety initiative. We, the uninitiated, simply lack the sophisticated acoustic understanding to grasp the existential peril posed by collective displeasure directed at VIPs. It's a miracle the stadium remains standing, given humanity's general inclination towards audible disagreement.