SCOTUS Rules 'Roving' Patrols Must Maintain Fixed Orbit

The Supreme Court, in a move baffling to anyone familiar with the concept of motion, has decreed that 'roving patrols' must now maintain a 'fixed orbit.' This groundbreaking reinterpretation of spatial dynamics comes amidst contentious federal immigration operations in Los Angeles, where the California National Guard previously found itself at liberty to, well, rove. One assumes agents will now require a comprehensive understanding of orbital mechanics, perhaps even the installation of celestial navigation systems, to ensure their patrols meticulously circle predetermined points, rather than, say, respond dynamically to unfolding events.

The dissenting opinion, penned with characteristic vigor by Justice Sotomayor, unfortunately focused on the quaint notion of legal precedent and practical enforceability, rather than applauding the Court’s bold foray into theoretical physics. Indeed, the very definition of 'patrol' seems to have undergone a subtle, yet profound, celestial shift. One can only imagine the bewildered expressions of demonstrators now trying to protest a patrol that is, quite literally, fixed yet orbiting.