New Study Finds Modern Gamepads Cause Mild Comas

A recent, highly anticipated, if entirely unsurprising, study has revealed that prolonged interaction with modern gamepads induces a state remarkably similar to a mild, though often reversible, coma. Researchers noted subjects exhibiting reduced brain activity, diminished emotional response, and an inexplicable urge to simply exist, motionless, until their batteries died. Apparently, the ergonomic perfection and predictable button layouts of contemporary controllers have streamlined the gaming experience into an almost meditative, catatonic state, stripping away any last vestiges of engagement or surprise.

The findings have sparked a quiet panic among the comatose masses, who, ironically, can’t quite rouse themselves to care. Hope, however, flickers in the form of a singularly innovative, home-brewed gyro controller – a contraption so delightfully unhinged and functionally baffling that it reportedly jolts players awake with sheer, unadulterated confusion. It seems the only cure for the gaming industry's self-inflicted torpor is to abandon corporate blandness entirely and embrace the chaotic, awakening embrace of DIY ingenuity. One might even call it a shot in the arm for the entire video game industry, if anyone could lift their arms.