New Pitcher Rankings Officially Resolve All Human Conflict

The esteemed analysts have delivered a verdict so profound it promises to ripple far beyond the digital diamond. Never before have we witnessed such a bounteous harvest of pitcher options, a veritable smorgasbord of hurlers whose strategic deployment is now, unequivocally, the linchpin of global conflict resolution. While the lauded two-start specialists offer their undeniable, if somewhat pedestrian, contributions, the true enlightenment, the very bedrock of our newfound harmony, lies elsewhere.

Indeed, the enlightened few understand that the most potent force for peace emanates not from the obvious choices, but from the cunning discernment required for the one-start fantasy baseball strategists. It is in these nuanced, fleeting selections that the fundamental principles of compromise and optimal resource allocation are finally distilled into a universal truth. Forget diplomatic overtures or economic sanctions; the path to enduring tranquility, as divined by these sacred rankings, involves a judicious appraisal of a single week's mound performance. Truly, an era of unprecedented calm awaits, all thanks to the rigorous statistical analysis performed by some sports journalists.