Lord Resurrects, Asks If He Can Just Do The Cross Again Instead

The triumphant return, a moment eagerly anticipated by theologians and doomsayers alike, was by all accounts, remarkably brief. After millennia of blissful slumber, the Carpenter of Nazareth's much-anticipated second coming reportedly lasted only long enough for him to observe a particular corner of the internet. His divine gaze, scanning for signs of righteousness or perhaps a decent pita, instead landed upon a digital spectacle: a livestream dedicated to the rapid inflation and subsequent, often immediate, collapse of utterly theoretical assets.

Reports suggest the Son of Man expressed profound confusion at the concept of a "financial decision" that could become "pure risk" if a network cable merely twitched. Witnesses, if one can call them that, overheard a murmur concerning the relative merits of actual carpentry versus the frantic buying of ethereal cryptocurrency based on meme potential. Apparently, even *a* crucifixion was a more straightforward affair. The Nazarene, it's believed, simply shook his head, muttered about the profound ease of his previous suffering by comparison, and promptly returned to his cave, presumably to nap until humanity develops something less profoundly embarrassing.