Investopedia Adds 'Fecal Futures' To Mainstream Asset List

The esteemed financial education platform, Investopedia, has, with characteristic gravitas, formally recognized ‘Fecal Futures’ as a legitimate asset class. This bold move signals a profound maturation in the global quest for alternative investments, transcending the mere digital detritus of Decentralized Finance to embrace assets of truly organic provenance. Analysts suggest this development reflects an acute understanding of resource scarcity, positioning human waste as an untapped, infinitely renewable commodity.

No longer relegated to the speculative fringes of 'shitcoins,' the nascent market for processed biological byproducts can now benefit from institutional rigor. Trading in 'Fecal Futures' will reportedly allow investors to hedge against fluctuations in biomass output, bio-gas production, or even agricultural nutrient demand. Experts anticipate sophisticated commodity futures contracts, complete with intricate grading systems based on provenance and dietary input, opening entirely new avenues for portfolio diversification in an increasingly volatile world.

Indeed, as the traditional markets teeter on the brink, who would have thought true stability lay not in gold or government bonds, but in the steadfast regularity of human digestive processes? It appears the future of finance is, quite literally, in the toilet.