Earth To Reportedly Continue Spinning

One can only be relieved to learn that, amidst the cacophony of modern existence, there are still those brave enough to point us towards "ultimate purposes." It appears the nebulous miasma of individual autonomy and subjective experience has finally been clarified, not by introspection or philosophical inquiry, but by a remarkably succinct checklist. The instructions are clear: return to your local religious institutions, embrace the sanctity of marriage, and, crucially, procreate. Because, as we all know, nothing resolves complex societal anxieties quite like a mandatory baby boom.

This revelation, apparently designed to guide errant souls back to a vaguely defined golden age of traditional values, promises to solve, well, everything. Forget existential dread or the slow erosion of public trust; simply exchange your quest for personal fulfillment for a prescribed existence, complete with picket fence and the joyous wails of offspring. One might even conclude that the very meaning of life was just waiting for someone to finally spell it out for us in crayon. It truly is a turning point.