Dodgers' Icy Cooler Malfunction Throws Playoffs Into Deep Freeze

According to sources within the Los Angeles Dodgers' clubhouse, a catastrophic malfunction of their state-of-the-art cooler system has sent the team's playoff hopes into a deep freeze.

The high-tech contraption, which had been hailed as a game-changer by the team's management and was rumored to include features like an automated snow cone dispenser and a built-in icicle chandelier, has instead plunged the Dodgers into a frosty crisis.

"We were all excited about the cooler," said one player who wished to remain anonymous, "but now it's just this giant block of ice that we can't get out of."

The malfunction could not have come at a worse time for the Dodgers, who are currently tied for first place in the National League West and are fighting tooth and nail for a Wild Card spot. The team has been forced to abandon their high-tech training methods and return to more traditional means of keeping cool during games, such as dousing themselves with Gatorade and huddling under towels like a group of shivering penguins.

"We're just trying to stay positive," said Dodgers manager Dave Roberts. "I mean, it could be worse. We could have a malfunctioning ballpark sauna instead."