Congress Considers Bill To Formally Ban Intern Murder

In a move that has surely sent ripples of relief through the nation’s intern pool, Congress is reportedly deliberating a groundbreaking bill to formally prohibit the unauthorized termination of its unpaid legislative assistants. This monumental legislative effort comes in the wake of the tragic, yet apparently heretofore unaddressed, demise of Eric Tarpinian-Jachym, an intern for Representative Ron Estes. Many had, of course, assumed such acts were already frowned upon, if not explicitly codified against, but the wheels of justice, much like the wheels of a congressional committee, turn slowly.

The proposed Intern Protection Act is said to include provisions for, among other things, the cessation of lethal force as a disciplinary measure and a stern warning against using legislative aides as target practice. While the specifics of the bill are still being hammered out in bipartisan harmony – a rare sight for anything not involving a shared lobbyist lunch – the very necessity of such a measure speaks volumes about the evolving definition of 'workplace safety' within the hallowed halls of Capitol Hill. One can only imagine what other essential safety protocols might be awaiting formal congressional approval.